I've Often Wondered
by Just A Girl Of The Hollow x3
Summary: I love him, but I’ve often wondered how the heart can overpower the mind. I know mine has. [Rated for sex.Not graphic.]


A/N: Wanted to write. Not sure how this will turn out though! FBY will be updated tonight. I promise.

Disclaimer: Don't own…

On with story…

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**I've Often Wondered**

I've often wondered the way the mind works. I mean, think about it. How does the mind decide that you should do certain things? Why does it decide it's best to leave the things you love the most and why does it decide to hurt the people you love the most?

I've often wondered why he left. And even though these thoughts are floating around in my head—and probably always will be—I have to let it go. I should have expected this. Everyone warned me, but I didn't listen. I let myself fall in love and now he's gone. I don't think he's coming back.

I've often wondered what was going through his mind when he left, when he was on that bus to California. Yes, California. Everyone thinks that I don't know where he went, but I got Luke to tell me about his dad and I Yahooed him. I figured he went out there to 'bond' with the man who left him eighteen years ago. That'd be something he'd do.

I've often wondered what in the hell Luke and my mom were thinking when they didn't immediately tell me.

I've often wondered what he's doing now over in California.

I've often wondered what people are thinking, if they're feeling sorry for me.

I've often wondered what would happen if he ever came back.

I've often wondered what my life would be like without him and I just can't see it.

I've often wondered who else could fill his shoes—no one comes to mind.

I've often wondered—

_Knock Knock_

I wonder who's at the door? I get up from my desk to answer it seeing as my mom's at work and I'm the only one home. As soon as I enter the foyer, I know who it is. I can see his frame through the glass. I run to the door and swing open only to confirm my suspicions. He's standing there, looking completely broken and I'm positive I reflect his demeanor.

I open the door wider so that he can come in and he steps through the doorframe into the all too familiar foyer we had shared too many kisses to count.

Tears start to fall from my eyes and he reaches out and wipes them away with the pads of his thumbs. I capture his hands in mine and keep them on my cheeks. My body shakes with unshed tears and I collapse into him.

"I thought you left," I whisper.

"I did," he replies quietly.

"I thought you weren't coming back," I confess.

"I wasn't," he admits.

"Then what are you doing here?" I ask emotionally.

"I love you," he tells me after pulling away to look me directly in the eyes.

"I love you, too," I stomp my foot childishly and lunge at him for a fiery kiss.

He drops his bag and backs me against the door.

"Where's your mom?" He asks between kisses.

"Work."

He picks me up effortlessly and carries me to my room. He kicks the door shut behind him and smiles at me. Really smiles. I smile back and give him a soft, slow kiss as he carries me the rest of the way to my bed.

He kneels on the mattress, still holding me, and gently lays me down. I push his leather jacket off his shoulders just as it starts to rain. The rain drops patter against my window as he pulls his old hoodie over my head. He throws it haphazardly across the room and covers my entire body with his. I lean up and give him a gentle kiss, letting him know I want this. He smiles against my lips and kisses me back.

I pull his shirt over his head and start on his belt buckle while he pulls my camisole over my head. After he's successfully gotten it over my head, I go back to his belt. In a matter of seconds it's undone and I'm working on his button and zipper. He's got one knee on either side of my legs and is towering above me. As soon as I've unbuttoned and unzipped him, he stands up to shimmy his dark wash jeans off. I stand up also and sidle up in front of him, pressing the entirety of my body into his. He grips my bottom in his hands and pulls me even tighter against him. I begin to kiss his chest, up his neck and to his jaw finally reaching his lips. I capture his bottom lip in my teeth as he watches down on me, his eyes clouding over with a mixture of love and lust.

He slides his hands from my bottom to my zipper and quickly undoes my button and zipper. He helps me push them down my legs and I can see the excitement in his eyes as he sees my black lace thong. The _only_ reason I had this on was because it was laundry day and it was all I had left. As soon as he noticed that my bra did in fact match, his eyes go crazy with desire and he immediately picks me up and threw me down on the bed.

The rain beats harder on my roof.

I bounce as I hit the mattress and he crawls up my body until we're nose to nose.

"Are you trying to kill me?"

"Always," I answer sadistically because he doesn't know the pain he's caused me and if this underwear is killing him—good.

He laughs humorlessly as he begins to slowly slide the thong down my legs and past my ankles. I feel unbelievably exposed in that moment, but it's a good feeling which is why I return the favor and push his boxers down with my feet. Next he unclips my bra and lets it fall beside the bed.

I've often wondered what this moment would be like. The moment when I let one man see my entire being. I'm totally exposed and vulnerable right now—I'm shaking inside.

He roams his eyes all over my body from head to toe before leaning down and gently capturing my lips in the softest kiss I've ever been engaged in. Our skin is touching in every place it possibly can and I can feel his body weight settling into me. He looks me in the eye. I nod my head and he leans in to gently kiss me. The kiss begins to heat up as he pushes my lips open with his tongue. His tongue expertly massages my mouth and I moan.

He leaves my mouth and continues his way down my jaw, my neck, my chest until he's reached my bellybutton. He circles my naval with his tongue and then dares to go lower.

A moan digs its way from my throat as my legs instinctively spread further apart. He kisses me until I can't take it anymore and scream out. It comes out as more of a whimper and that's when he pulls away and slowly crawls up my body.

"It's going to hurt," he warns.

"I know," I whisper back and he nods.

I brace myself as he pulls a condom from his wallet and rolls it on himself. He places himself at my entrance and tells me to relax. I do my best to relax as he says, but I'm still bracing myself. No amount of bracing could have prepared me for the utter physical pain that ripped through me when he entered me in one swift motion.

It was like pulling off a band-aid—quick, but painful—except this hurt much worst than pulling off a band-aid.

I screamed out in pain as tears instantly fell from my eyes and silently down my cheeks.

He kisses them away as I dig my nails into his shoulders. As soon as I nod my head, he pulls out and slowly goes back in. I let out a shuddering breath as I become familiar with the feeling of him inside of me. There's still a dull pain lingering throughout me, but I ignore it and focus on the pleasurable part of this whole ordeal.

He starts to speed up and I begin to move my hips against him. I meet him thrust for thrust and he moans in appreciation.

Once I reach my climax, I scream and he follows soon after. He collapses on me and I wrap my arms around his back. Our breathing is irregular and our skin has a sheen of sweat covering it.

A bright bolt of lightning lights the sky and is soon followed by a loud crack of thunder.

After our breathing is regulated, Jess stands up and pulls on his boxers. He wipes my sweat-soaked hair from my forehead and silently leaves the room. I realize I need to clean up and go into the bathroom, grabbing his t-shirt from the floor on my way there. By the time I come back from the bathroom, Jess is replacing my dirty sheets with new ones. As soon as he's finished tucking in each corner I walk shakily to the bed and plop down, my wobbly, jello legs happy to be rested.

He soon joins me on the bed, climbing in behind me and wrapping a protective arm around my waist and placing his hand on my stomach.

"You're mom has an emergency convention in New York and won't be home until Sunday," he tells me and I sigh with contentment. He must've checked the answering machine.

"Does Luke know you're back?"

"No."

"Stay with me tonight?" I request, clad in his shirt and nothing else.

"I wouldn't have it any other way."

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I've often wondered what it would have been like to have sex with him.

Now I know. I don't have to wonder about anything anymore because he's back and I know he'll never leave again. And if by chance he does, I'll move on and I won't be welcoming if he comes back again. This is it. I've given him my heart and he's given me his. If he leaves, he's taking my heart and leaving his.

I love him, but I've often wondered how the heart can overpower the mind.

I know mine has.

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A/N: Definitely not how I predicted that it'd turn out. I'm not sure how I feel about this. Reviews are love so press the pretty little button!


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